Caption Max

by Jessica Matelski

Okay, you’ve looked into captioning and decided you’d like to give it a whirl. Before you do, you should know that it’s not all glitz and glamor and stylish head gear. There are dangerous side-effects to this job, which may include the following.

CaptionBrain: (for external symptoms, see CaptionHead) CaptionBrain is a phenomenon wherein the afflicted person captions reality as it happens before him or her. You may be having a conversation with someone suffering from CaptionBrain if you notice a far-off look in their eyes as you talk; they may wince when you stammer or go back and correct yourself. They may even request exact spellings of any proper names you might mention. CaptionBrain can also manifest when listening to the radio.

CaptionHead: Not to be confused with CaptionBrain, CaptionHead refers to the array of outward symptoms, usually bruising, caused by sudden, violent reactions to stupid mistakes made while captioning. Hypothetically, let’s say a captioner—we’ll call her Fessica—doesn’t pay close enough attention during the spell check of a file for a corporate client. Let’s say that she’d absolutely mutilated the word “project” when she transcribed it so that letters were jumbled, extra ones added, and the spell check, having no idea what she could possibly mean by “prstjecion,” suggested she change it to “prostitution.” Fessica mindlessly hits the “accept change” button. When the very forgiving corporate client inquires of Fessica’s project manager whether they might be able to get a file WITHOUT random references to international prostitution, Fessica’s hand might very well fly with great force to her forehead. Thus, the bruising. Patients suffering from CaptionHead should just be left alone. They’ve already literally beaten themselves up, so just quit it with the jokes, okay? On the upside, mistakes big enough to warrant a CaptionHead incident are usually a one-time thing.

The CaptionClaw: After five years of captioning, “the claw” is what I call my right hand. A quick survey of captioners finds a wide array of wrist- and hand-related maladies that we treat with various splints, guards, and ergonomic contraptions. Above is an artist’s rendering of a typical captioning station. Note the state-of-the-art video display and the heavy-duty armored wrist guard with ergonomic spikes for added support. Captioners are also provided with desktop cats to calm the nerves during particularly stressful projects.